Men Quotes

Need more quotes? Extracts from books on Men


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Men may be usefully divided almost any way we please, but I have found the most useful distinction to be made between those who devote their lives to using the verb "to be" and those who spend their lives using the verb "to have".

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Mel Gibson.

Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women, and even the most foolish women are wise about men

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Men are like car alarms. They both make a lot of noise but no-one pays any attention to them.

He may have hair on his chest, but then, so does Lassie.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

"At some point in their lives, every woman will decide her man has Aspergers"

I'm just terrified that if I go in for a vasectomy there'll be a major earthquake just at the wrong time.

Men are way more positive. They look in the mirror and see themselves as just 3 or 4 situps away from being in a hottub with Elle McPherson.

A normal male consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are

Today's man knows that he's supposed to be a sensitive and caring relationship partner, and he's making radical life-style changes such as sometimes remembering to remove the used tissue wads from his pockets before depositing his pants on the floor to be picked up by the Laundry Fairy.

What has 8 arms and an IQ of 100? 4 men watching the game on TV.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Men are like horoscopes - always telling you what to do and invariably wrong.

Smart husband always thinks twice before saying nothing.

Average man has 2 legs 4 wheels and a spare tire.

Man's rule of thumb - if it flies, floats or fucks, rent it don't buy it. Woman's rule of thumb - if it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles 3 things - a rainy day, lost luggage or tangled xmas lights.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Can always tell when a man is planning for future - buys two cases of beer.

Said he wanted more space so I locked him outside.

Men want to be really really close to someone who'll leave them alone.

A man always has 2 reasons for doing something - a good reason and the real reason.

A clever man tells a woman he understands her; a stupid one tries to prove it.

I always wanted to be the last man on Earth, just to see if what all those women were saying was true.

Men look at women the same way we look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Every so often we look at pickup trucks. But we all end up with station wagons. (Tim Allen)

If they put one man on the moon, why can't they put all of them there.

He always get the last word in an argument: "I'm sorry darling"

Easiest way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it.

I've still got it, but no-one wants to see it.

Men age like wine. Women age like milk.

If you surveyed 100 American men over 50 only 2 could tell you their blood type, but they all can sing the theme to the Beverly Hillbillies